Love Lessons"Before doing my story, I had
never even thought about many
of the things in the story
template, and they’re important."
V.B.
Ah, romance, how we love it—hate it—crave it—resist it—long for it—deny it. We’ve just passed one of single women’s least celebrated days. Red hearts are displayed in every store, along with sentimental Valentine’s poems, cards with schmaltzy love poetry and the musical theme from the tear-jerker movie Love Story, or worse yet An Affair to Remember. That’s the one in which Cary Grant and Deborah Kerr’s rendezvous at the top of the Empire State Building fails to happen when she’s hit by a car en route. But we’re spared disappointment as we’re swept away by the fantasy that’s finally consummated in its happily-ever-after ending. Don’t get me wrong, I love romantic movies and happy endings myself, but our society is in love with romance – actually addicted to it in an unhealthy way.
The media constantly bombards us with scandalous stories about religious leaders, politicians and athletes cheating on their wives and impregnating their mistresses (Tiger Woods and John Edwards most recently). Celebrities are some of our favorite idols to watch. Our curiosity about their personal lives borders on obsession. TV and magazines hook us into their romantic break-ups, make-ups, and cover-ups. Is Brangelina splitting and will Jen take Brad back? And of course the latest gossip is characterized by media as shocking, so we can’t miss that report.
We go into relationships with unrealistic and fantasy expectations
Daytime soap operas have been around for over 50 years for a reason: they’re addicting. I know women who race home on their lunch break or scurry to the lunchroom at the office to watch The Young and the Restless. After all, is Victor going to reveal his true love to Nickie when he awakes from his coma? Everyone loves the roller coaster drama of life’s agony and ecstasy, the underdog winning over the bully, and love requited after lovers’ conflicts and disappointments. Our hearts race as we’re catapulted to emotional heights, then sink as we plummet from an unexpected twist. Adrenalin and endorphins rush through our bodies, and we suddenly feel more alive with something to anticipate, hope for, or dream about for ourselves. What a high!
Romance movies create high drama between couples playing games with each other, such as How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days, or perhaps He’s Just Not That Into You. One of the story lines is a desperate woman who makes a fool of herself chasing men, but in the end wins the most unlikely guy. But the problem with romantic movies – and books and other media – is that they don’t really present us with good models for how people should relate to one another. After all, not many people want to spend money to see or read about a happy couple living a peaceful, joyful life and handling problems without a lot of hubbub. That would be awfully boring.
Let’s face it, we live in times where we want instant gratification, so combine that with ecstasy-bliss addiction, and you’ve got a lot of strung-out people who need another fix which causes relationships to fall apart. I think we should get real and honest with ourselves about these fantasy ever-afters and start to make our mate selection using more important compatibility factors, such as a person’s way of being, complementary values, and how they deal with conflict, intimacy, and communication. If we make those aspects a priority over the illusions invented from lust and romantic fantasies, we’ll have more stable and lasting relationships. And less drama in our own lives—leave that to TV characters!
